Driving Lessons

First, adjust your mirrors.

Scoot up your seat. Buckle

your belt. Always use

your blinker. Nothing

is more annoying than a

sudden left turn.

Put your right foot on the gas

and also the brakes.

Keep one foot on the floor

unless you’re driving stick.

Hover, don’t jam. Pump,

don’t slam. You want to be


Park between the lines.

Beneath a light. Never stop

next to a windowless van.

Roll up your windows.

Lock your doors.

Don’t put your keys away

spread your fingers

and thread them

with points. It’s

even better than

brass knuckles.

Check the back seat.

Look over your shoulder.

Ask the police man for

his identification.

Accelarate away

from the stop sign

calmly. You don’t

want them to know

you’re scared.

If they follow, drive

to a well-lit area.

Memorize their

license plate.

Dial 911. Do it


Sometimes people will

tap the bumper

and pretend

it’s an accident.

Don’t get out

of the car. Don’t

open the door. You

can always



If it’s wet out,

the roads

will be slippery.

Brake slowly.

Give yourself

extra time.

When you drive

past the boys

at the corner

and they baby

baby baby

show us your

titties don’t

give them

the finger. They

might know where

you live. Just

keep your eyes

on the road.

07.19 | unpublished