Driving Lessons
First, adjust your mirrors.
Scoot up your seat. Buckle
your belt. Always use
your blinker. Nothing
is more annoying than a
sudden left turn.
Put your right foot on the gas
and also the brakes.
Keep one foot on the floor
unless you’re driving stick.
Hover, don’t jam. Pump,
don’t slam. You want to be
smooooth.
Park between the lines.
Beneath a light. Never stop
next to a windowless van.
Roll up your windows.
Lock your doors.
Don’t put your keys away
spread your fingers
and thread them
with points. It’s
even better than
brass knuckles.
Check the back seat.
Look over your shoulder.
Ask the police man for
his identification.
Accelarate away
from the stop sign
calmly. You don’t
want them to know
you’re scared.
If they follow, drive
to a well-lit area.
Memorize their
license plate.
Dial 911. Do it
hands-free.
Sometimes people will
tap the bumper
and pretend
it’s an accident.
Don’t get out
of the car. Don’t
open the door. You
can always
apologize
later.
If it’s wet out,
the roads
will be slippery.
Brake slowly.
Give yourself
extra time.
When you drive
past the boys
at the corner
and they baby
baby baby
show us your
titties don’t
give them
the finger. They
might know where
you live. Just
keep your eyes
on the road.
07.19 | unpublished